I am in the depths.

I apoologise to those who love me and had to witness what happened.

And thank you, parents, for being there for me.
Thank you, Casabelle, for the same reason too.

I will recover, from the deepest of realms, and learn to love myself more.

I am not ready yet. I admit. National Service doesn’t make me a man. I make myself a man, for being who I need to be, for doing what I need to do.

Adulthood is new to me anyway, and I am still picking things up as it goes. =]

My girlfriend, Casabelle, is giving me hope and support. She gave me a glimpse of my future. A future that belongs to us, a future that I need to work hard to achieve, a future, that most importantly, is what I have always wanted and hope for, since I was young.
I love you, Casabelle. <3

No matter how hard or pressurizing it is to achieve that future, I will need to put in effort. As the saying goes, the ore goes through intense heat and pressure to become a gem. Or something like that.

So much have been said, it’s finally time to get things done.

I will be who I want to be. I am going to define myself. There will be no more questions about who I am, for I am who I am. This shall be the answer, to the very first post of this story. It’s going to be – My Story.

After that, she won’t be back.

I had fun, I believe she did too.
It’s weird, that we got along even though we only met a day before and we came from different places.
I liked it.

She’s a Chinese American, who’s with the US Navy.
Her name is Lisa Wong.
She left a deep impression on me.

When she’s back again in the middle of the month, hopefully she will have liberty and we can hang out once more.

It is going to be one of those memories in life, that will always be special.

I can’t stand the solitude and the sporadic feeling of despair.
Sigh.
When can I ever be strong enough?

If only I can sleep forever.
If only I can escape reality.

It’s life.  I have to be strong.
For the sake of the people who love and care for me.

I have to hang in there.

Celebrated my mum’s birthday last wednesday, on the 3rd of June.
My sister and I bought a cheesecake from BakerInz. Surprisingly my dad also bought another cake. It feels so peaceful to see my family so happy. Maybe if I give more of myself to this family, smiles can always be seen around the house.

**

Have been trying to give my life another shot. Rather, have been giving shots at a lot of things.
However, everything has changed.

Maybe, I am just of no good, at all.

**

I still care.
Hate me, for not giving enough.
Hate me, for not being there.
Hate me, for letting you cry.

Take care, and be happy.
I’m sorry.

It didn’t last. I failed to protect it.

I fucked up, and I have no one else to blame but myself.
It breaks my heart and the piercing pain is almost unbearable.

Tears are flowing, but crying myself a river will never bring back my love.

I’m lost.

***
To my love, Victoria,
I wasn’t a good boyfriend. I’m sorry.
Hope you will be happy.
Thanks for all the joy and laughter you have brought into my life.
Take care.

A lot of things happened in the beginning of a new year. It’s almost overwhelming.

Ok, let’s list the key events that took place within these 2 months.

- I stroke 4D.
- I crashed the car.
- I am permanently posted to 6AMB.
- I was out of my mind and was asked to go see a psychiatrist.
- I had my ligament(s) reconstruction surgery.

Ok. Striking 4D and crashing the car happened on the same day. Not much shall be explained. I only want to make clear that crashing the car was not very much because of human error. It’s fortunate that Victoria and I (a pity) escaped with very minor injuries. However, I guess the impact of the accident still haunt the both of us.

I finished my course as a Comms Technician in the army and is now officially posted to 6AMD, under the unit of 63FMD. No more trainee! Getting my P Pass soon, I guess, when I get back after my recovery.

Hmm. I just had my right knee ACL and mensicus reconstruction surgery on Thurs (26/02). The LCL was also confirmed to be laxed (overstretched), therefore, it was reconstructed too. I needed 2 hamstring tendons for the whole surgery, and one was taken from each of my legs. Both my legs were cut opened. Ha ha ha. -.-

The pain is killing me slowly right now. All I am surviving on are painkillers. Oh, all these should be worth it for a active future – soccer, baby!

Other than that, my knee is fine. So people who care, there you go.

**

Emotionally, I am weak and tired. I tried to be the best, but maybe I wasn’t even good enough to begin with.
I will still work it out, because my flame is still burning strong. Please be there with me, and bear with me, as we go on this journey together.

**

I just need to know, that you are giving your all too.
I love you.